Friday, November 4, 2016

Why "Trump" your lady friends when you can just turn on the lights?

Just a few days left before this election nonsense is over. I find both candidates reprehensible, but in the usual style of American politics, will be voting for the lesser of two extraordinary evils. Yaaaay.

"The Donald" is the poster boy for misogyny, and probably suffering delusions of grandeur. An orange syphilis with a red tie, he embodies every man women fear will violate them - physically, politically, socially, spiritually.

So, why not just embrace your inner dickhead and drop a load of dollars on this lamp? No need to worry about lawsuits from office diddling, or neck punches from strange ladies on the subway: go home, smack that booty (with life-like jiggle!), and get lit!

The really sad thing is that I am incredibly tempted to install this in my home office. The even sadder thing is the number of people I know who would likely do the same.

Friday, October 14, 2016

As though I NEEDED another reason to drink beer...

"Beer is proof that god loves us, and wants us to be happy."
-Benjamin Franklin (or Homer Simpson, I'm not really sure)

Ignore for a minute all the things that beer is not good for: weight loss, relationship decisions, general hydration, blood sugar maintenance, dancing white dudes, etc. Let's talk about the things that beer IS good for!

Gastrointestinal Health: beer aids in digestion! Some beers trigger the release of gastric acids that make easy digestion possible and nukes the bad bacteria that lives in your tummy.

Bone Health: beer is a source of silicon, which is a component of healthy bones. Screw you, Milk! Take your calcium, and pound sand.

Kidney Health: while beer is busy pickling your liver, it is also preventing kidney stones. I learned this from a co-worker who had horrible kidney stones until her doctor advised her to start drinking beer. Never a kidney stone again! (Fact check if you like.) Put down the soda, and pick up your favorite hoppy bottle for relief.

Heart Health: moderation is key on this one. Slamming down a 12-pack every day isn't going to do much more than give you a headache, but a pint or two daily lessens your risk  falling victim to heart disease by 31%. Those are some delicious odds.

Now, beer can save your bones, and save you some bones in the home decor arena. Everyone has seen those neat beer bottle candles and glasses at street festivals all summer - how do they do that?!
Do it your damn self. Drink beer, be healthy, make stuff. Kinkajou!

Thursday, August 25, 2016

It's 95 degrees out here, why are you wearing a sweater?

Way back in the day, I had a pal in high school who was excessively hairy. I mean, to the point that it looked like he wore an angora sweater to the indoor pool, and it puffed up over a fully buttoned dress shirt and tie. Hirsuitism is a sign of excess androgen, so he may well have had some sort of hormonal imbalance indicative of another, more serious medical issue. Or he may have been a testosterone heavy super-lover. Either way, we politely ignored it.

As a woman, hair removal is a constant inconvenience. Legs, pits, bikini area, face - I would never brush my teeth again if it meant that I wouldn't have to deal with the stigma associated with my (relatively minimal) volume of body hair. Waxing, bleaching, laser treatments, and plain old shaving are either expensive, marginally effective, or time consuming. I have a period every month - could the universe cut me a break on something?!?

There are thousands of gadgets out there for us ladies to deal with our body fur, but men's gadgets only concentrate on the face. (And thank goodness, because that whole "lumberjack chic" thing is SO 2014.) Finally, someone has come up with a simple tool for my brothers with follicle challenges south of their neck line!

The baKblade isn't the final solution for hairy dudes, but it certainly makes keeping your man mane under control easier and less costly. Plus, you can save the embarrassment of having to ask your Girlfriend to help. (Protip: we like to help you out, but not with this...)

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Learn some stuff, ya turkey!

So, the Internet has recently crapped its collective self over a video of a guy filling a pool with Orbeez, and explaining the science behind why you don't sink to the bottom. (I guess spending the 1980s terrified of quicksand was all for naught.)

Speaking as a woman who has had the experience of diving into a pool of fake jello (floral gel crystals), I can tell you first hand how completely insane this feels. I had floral gel in crevices I didn't know I had for like three days. Hindsight being what it is, Orbeez may have been a better option. Lesson learned.

The incredible popularity of this video tells me 3 things:
1. This guy absolutely hates his wife.
2. I have picked the wrong career: getting paid to do bizarre things on the Internet is really more my speed than anything else.
3. People like to learn stuff, as long as it is presented in a compelling and interesting way.

In the spirit of learning, interesting, and compelling - please allow me to introduce The Backyard Scientist.  A molten metal junkie if I've ever seen one. And I haven't. Enjoy!

Monday, August 22, 2016

How to improve your food, in 3 easy steps

Having lived in the South for almost the last 10 years, I have learned some very important truths about food consumption. Most important being: Yankees are doing it wrong. Y'all.

Rule #1:
If it is edible, it is better deep-fried.

Rule #2:
The addition of bacon to whatever you're consuming makes it at least 25x better.

Rule #3: 
Food on a stick is > food not on a stick.

In that spirit, please let me introduce: The Rollie. Because scrambled eggs are just too complicated.
("Perfect for the office"......??)

Friday, August 12, 2016

Friends don't let friends drink and Amazon

Occasionally, I wake up a bit early (only occasionally), and enjoy a cig on my front porch while watching the sun come up. The neighborhood stirs, I sip a little coffee, and check my email. Ordinarily, a pretty peaceful AM ritual.

However, there are some mornings I wake up to a flurry of order confirmation emails from Amazon. This, friends, is how I discover that I drank too much the night before. A few days later, I find the following sitting on my front porch when I arrive home from work: a neon purple handbag, a red & white striped maxi dress, a 4 slot USB hub, a new pocket knife, and a pair of skeleton salt & pepper shakers dressed as formal bunnies.

Easy on the whiskey there, speedy...

Thursday, August 11, 2016


We had our annual "health screening" at work today. Basically, I HAVE to take it to reduce my health insurance payments on each check. At other companies I've worked for this practice has existed, but hasn't had a really big financial impact. At this company, the payment decreases by 50%! So, at 8:06am, I allowed a pair of strangers to take my blood and report just how fat/unhealthy I am to my employer.

First, the results were kind of surprising: blood pressure was cool, cholesterol was cool, sugar levels were cool. I'm not sure what a "triglyceride" is, but apparently I have a lot of them - not cool. Then the BMI....we're not gonna talk about that. Ever.

Here's what this brings up: how does someone like me, with a distaste for sweat, exercise, and anything I'm not particularly good at, get her spherical ass back into a decent shape? In my search for stress free exercise programs, I tripped across this site.

How cool is this - exercise for NERDS!! No juice-heads on the next treadmill over, no pre-teens wandering around in panties and sports bras - self-directed, and digitally accountable progress measures. Because if I can't look good in person, I better look good on the Internet. When I graduate, can I get a sword?