Friday, December 31, 2010

Adios 2010!!

Out with the old, and in with the new. 2010 was a rough year for me: non-stop career insecurity, total destruction of family relationships, the amazingly bad end to what I thought was going to be a life-long romantic relationship. 2010 can freaking bite it, so far as I'm concerned.

But with the new year just hours away, I have a positive outlook on 2011. I know what I want and need from 2011, and I'm going to get it. I have great friends I'm planning to see, and a good man I'm planning to smooch at midnight. For good luck, naturally.

So where did that tradition come from? Where did my intense superstition about being smooched at 12am on January 1 originate? Turns out, I'm not alone. There is a specific, scientific answer. While this superstition has no basis in reality, I'm looking forward to participating.

Happy (?) Penguin

I've always loved penguins. At the zoo, ANY zoo, they're always the most entertaining animals. Well, except for those chimps that fling poop.

But this penguin is exceptionally happy. I'm hoping it's not due to the Xmas music, but more due to an itchy ass.

I don't get it. At all.

Twitter is like the hottest thing since sliced bread. Personally, I don't understand why people need/want to know what time I brushed my teeth, or ate lunch.

Honestly, aside from a useful marketing tool for independent Internet businesses, I really don't see the purpose of Twitter. Studio MacKenzie posts on Twitter periodically, and the site hits go up by at least 50%, but if I, personally, was Twittering, I can't imagine what good that would do for me.

But in this over-connected social experiment called "life between 20 and 30", Twitter appears to reign supreme. (Sadly spoken as a new iPhone user.)

So rather than drop antiquated Post-It notes on a co-woker's desk, drop a manual Tweet. Hopefully they have a sense of humor.

Okay, seriously??

There are some stupid board games out there: Mousetrap, Pictionary Man, Life, and others. But this one takes the cake. What kind of sick, twisted mind bases a board game on dog shit? While, I have a "poop service" (that's not a joke, I am that lazy) whose owner is fond of doo-doo jokes, even this one is beyond him.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Xmas is for family

The holidays are a time when we remember what's important to us, share our time and energy with our most loved ones, and pay homage to the love we have for our family and friends. Most importantly, it is a time to get absolutely shit-faced.

Which I did. In abundance. Surrounded by friends and family, I sucked down booze from 3pm well into the night. Merry Xmas to all and to all an econo-sized bottle of Advil.

Up next: Happy Booze Year. Hide your boyfriends, 'cause Mama's got a new cocktail dress.

Cats are NOT fond of trampolines

I know that this is probably shocking news for most of you. I'm guessing they're not terribly fond of kids either. Evidence below.

Fun with Food

Ever find yourself bored in the kitchen? I sure do, 'cause cooking sure ain't entertaining. Check out this neat trick brought to you by Scientific Tuesday. Why drink milk when you can play with it instead?

Monday, December 20, 2010

How do you want to be remembered?

I think my ideal passing would go as follows:
Cremated. Definitely no wake, those things are creepy and antiquated. Tiny funeral for the family that still thinks those ceremonies are important. Ashes scattered in Lake Michigan at the "cool, hangin' loose spot." (Read Stuart Dybek, you'll understand.) HUGE party. No matter how I died, I want people to remember how I lived: happy, nerdy, regret-free, and lightly buzzed.

I don't want some monument in a field full of other dead people. I want people to visit the "cool, hangin' loose spot" to remember me, not some stodgy crypt or somber grave yard. But to each his own. There are others that wish to be immortalized in stone sculptures. Some respectful, some ridiculous. Enjoy.

All the other kids will be jealous of your mad skills

Personally, I lack a number of basic skills: baking, Microsoft Access, nunchuckery, the list goes on and on.

Two of my most woefully missing skills are sewing and soldering. I can't sew on a damn button, and I think the last time I used a soldering iron, I (accidentally) set something on fire. So, unfortunately, I will not be able to construct this badass Tron tribute laptop bag.

If someone would like to make it for me, it would look awful good under my tree on Saturday...

How neat is this?

It hasn't happened in almost 400 years, but is happening TONIGHT: the incredibly rare combination of a full moon, the winter solstice, and a full lunar eclipse. 1638 was the last time the world saw this phenomenon. And I'm betting they thought it was witchcraft or something

Locally, it is supposed to be between 2AM and 3AM. Get yourself some hot (spiked) cider and some mittens, and catch the universe putting on a light show. Er, I guess a "lack of light" show.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Serbian badass stomps shark

In America, being a badass means having neck tattoos, riding a sick motorcycle, and spending your weekends base jumping. Apparently, the Serbs get liquored and stomp sharks to death.

Dragan Stevic, told his pal to hold his beer and took a jump into the sea, only to come out complaining that he sprained his ankle (and later claiming that he doesn't remember the incident at all). Turns out the "not too soft" water he landed in, contained a large shark that had been stalking along that beach.

What a shame: you have a wild drunken escapade, which results in the death of a shark, your being named a national hero, and you were too plotzed to remember it.

I wonder how Jaws would have turned out if Roy Scheider has just drank more.

Friday, December 17, 2010

This must be what happens when you don't drink

There are no words for the hours and hours of work it must have taken to create this video. Probably months of adjusting coins on black velvet. And so far as I can tell, it hasn't gone any further than the Internet. (So, what's the point?)

I paint stuff, but I don't have to be sober or connected to technology to do it. And it certainly doesn't take nearly as much time and concentration. I've been toying with the idea of doing a time lapse video of making a painting, but the equipment and time involved are crazy, and ultimately hinder the process.

Kudos to the guys at Dreamhack for making such a brilliant video.

Blockbuster Video discriminates

Against dinosaurs. Jerks.

Stay warm...and well armed

Show those zombies who's boss. Maybe they'll leave you alone if they think you've already been attacked. Oh no, wait, that's sharks...

"You've got red on you."

Pet photos with power

I used to have a cat: Kenny. He was a nightmare. 23 lbs of rage and attitude. We fought constantly. He fought my roommate even more. We eventually started calling him the "Secret Shitter" because he started refusing to use the litter box, pooping on the bathmat, and using the corners to cover it up. Kenny, after months of making adjustments, and calling vets/pet therapists, made a quick exit to the ASPCA.

Photographer Kam Kahn seems to have similar problems with his cat. While I'm fairly certain it's not Kenny, his cat is equally difficult.

And the rest of his photos are stunning too.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

When life hands you lemons...

Find some vodka!

But when life mercilessly hands you snow, what do you do? It's going to get stuck in you wheel wells, it's going to lengthen your commute, and if you don't shovel, some genius is going to fall down in front of your house and sue you.

So, take a page from designer Hongtao Zhou's book: take that excess snow and make it something beautiful. Snowmen are so 1987. And carrots ain't cheap...

Too cute for words

Sid Caesar, proposed to his girlfriend, Sara Prindeville, via Muppets. This is even more adorable than the guy that proposed in a crossword puzzle.

Nerds in love. *sniffle, whimper*

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Creative Xmas Trees

I'm not a huge fan of Xmas. Between tragic family Xmas episodes, and the incredible difficulty of running errands in December, Xmas is totally lost on me. I buy gifts for the people I care about, but as far as decorating and making a scene, I'm out.

This year, I'm having a holiday party for my motorcycle club AND my brother will be in town for Xmas, so I started to feel guilty, and caved and bought a tree. (And ornaments.) Fortunately for me, Target carries a tree that's perfect for me.

But others seem to share my pain and have created their own versions of non-traditional Xmas trees. Check them out!

Only in Canada

Oh, Canada. You bring us Hockey, ham that's called "bacon," and Dave Coulier. Now for more new and exciting things from our neighbors to the North.

I've seen dogs riding skate boards, chickens playing tic-tac-toe, and pigs on people's sofas. But this is certainly a new one for me. I like having pets I don't have to modify me vehicle for...

Finally, a realistic image of women by Mattel

Barbie has been controversial FOREVER. There have been studies of how her proportions match up to real women, indictments of her taste in men, and when she finally had her own voice, she responded, "Math is hard." Tisk.

Barbie has never been a good role model for girls. She drives unrealistic vehicles, has a spotty career record, and her wardrobe embarrasses the Kardashians.

Mattel has made some adjustments to her measurements, and quit letting her talk. Smart move. Even smarter? Tattoo Barbie! Yes, it's perfectly acceptable for women to be tattooed. In fact, women are just as likely to get tattooed as men.

Speaking as a tattooed woman (heavily tattooed, I might add), I totally dig this.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Ever wondered if those mail in gold services work?

Well, one guy took on, and lost. He painted several rocks with gold paint and demanded over a million dollars for the faux gold. In the most hysterical corporate retort, the folks from Cash4Gold lash back at a big dummy.


Tiiiiiny housing

The economy is tough. People are being foreclosed out of their homes, and downsizing is par for the course. Why mortgage yourself out of reasonable nutrition, when you can live in style and comfort with everything you actually *need*.

Growing up finds me with more "stuff" than I really need, in more space than I really need. But I guess that's the curse of the homeowner. (Or is it?) But I remember a time when I could comfortably fit everything I needed into a tiny studio on the north side of Chicago. 1 closet, 1 teensy kitchen, 1 tiny bathroom, and one "general" room that housed my bedroom, entertainment, and office space.

Now, I'm drowning in books, furniture, entertainment apparatuses, and various bits of decor. A single woman in a 3 bedroom house, and "not enough space" somehow.

Oh, for the days when all I needed was some clothes, and a bed. If I hadn't bought a house (a real big house), I would have bought one of these. Imagine taking your studio apartment on the road with you. How great would that be?!

Jay Shafer has the right idea.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Bedroom aids for the Satanist (NSFW)

Just when you thought your "alone time" couldn't get more entertaining, meet the Cuthulu "ladies man." If you're in need of a special man in your life, why settle for a real man when you can opt for man made of latex and evil, with tentacles? He's not going to criticize your style, he'll never bitch about your cooking, and he delivers more reliably than the postman.

For the bargain basement price of $200, your who-ha can be treated to the most evil pleasure possible. Yes, yes, YES!!

It's 9pm, do you know where your ho's at?

I'm a shoe junkie. I have everything from sneakers to stripper heels in every color imaginable. (We've covered this before.) A new(-ish) trend in shoes is installing a GPS, in case the wearer gets lost. Especially useful for small children and hikers.

But what if you were to take this technology and apply it to other folks likely to get inexplicably lost? Specifically, sex workers. The Aphrodite Project is doing just that.

Not only is there a GPS for emergency location, the sizable (pardon the expression) "hooker heels," also include audio/visual equipment for advertising, and what amounts to a tiny iPhone in your heel: post to message boards about problem clients, find local STD testing resources, and access email to schedule "appointments."

Not into the whole "doin' it for cash" thing, but kinda want a pair. Sadly, I'd probably just put photos of my stupid dogs on the heel display...

Lingerie for the serious tippler

May I remind you for the bazillionth time that Xmas is upon us? Oh good. Consider yourself reminded. Although it happens at the same time every year, it still seems to sneak up on us.

So with 12 shopping/shipping days left, I will offer you another suggestion on what to leave under the Baconista's tree: this little gem.

No more sewing secret pockets into purses. No more pretending that your Gatorade is *just* Gatorade. No more trying to casually/subtly crack open a Sparks in a crowded movie theater. Ingenuity and underwear collide in the "Wine Rack".

Oh, Papa Bert, you're a genius.

Stupid: the winter edition

Thrill seekers recognize no seasons, take no days off, scoff at gravity, and sneer at logic. So do Russians. So Russian thrill seekers are a special breed, for which intelligence is replaced with Vodka, and destructive hilarity ensues.

For the record, I don't actually have anything against Russians. But these kids need parents and a week or two in rehab...

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Nothing says Jesus like bacon

Time to trim the tree, hang the stockings, string lights in every conceivable corner of the house, and put the youngsters on their best behavior for the arrival of Santa.

No matter what you believe, the nativity scene is going to pop up as a question from Junior. Just about every church with a lawn will have one, and if you hate your children enough to send them to Catholic school (12 year victim, right here), they're going to get the "official" story eventually.

Why not celebrate with class, and meat? For your viewing pleasure, the bacon/sausage/hash brown nativity scene. Educational and edible. Kudos.

This says a lot about what's important

2010 was a rough year: unemployment at record highs, natural disasters a plenty, tax cuts that don't do squat for me, and various personal tragedies/disappointments. I'm ready to see 2010 right on out the door.

So what was important to the people of America in 2010? Yahoo has some interesting (depressing) answers. Who the hell is Megan Fox?

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Own a little slice of heaven

Life is stressful. You need an escape. Some woodland hideaway near the Missouri river. Plenty of hunting and fishing opportunities. And more than enough space to build pipe bombs.

Enjoy the majesty of nature, and the seclusion of the woods in lovely Montana. The property has just been reduced too. The former owner is a bit famous too...

Outdoor enthusiasts must be lining up for this one. And sociopaths.

How to be justifiably lazy

I've always thought that I wrote the book on being lazy. I can avoid stuff like nobody's business. I have a dog poop service for crying out loud.

This (totally crazy) woman is putting me to shame. No touching stuff, no cleaning, no activity whatsoever.

Cold, it is. Hat, you need.

While I usually try not to endorse Hot Topic in ANY way, this is pretty amusing.

Keep your ears and the force warm with this Yoda hat. Stylish, you is.

Nostalgia for Alcoholics

I learned once in a Psychology class that we are capable of unconsciously associating smells, with specific feelings. Consider the smell of pumpkin pie and how you immediately think of family. (Now, how you actually feel about your family is a whole 'nother story, and not in any way associated with your nose.)

I wonder if we subconsciously associate tastes with feelings too? Like the taste of chocolate milk immediately brings me back to grade school. Mom would send me with 50 cents to get a little carton of 2% milk to go with my lunch, but I always got chocolate milk instead. And lied about it, naturally.

So now, when I choose beer over fruit juice, I don't have to lie about it anymore, but wouldn't a trip in the way-back machine might be nice once in a while. Maybe this will help.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Well, damn

Tonight, I met the best salesman on earth. I went into the AT&T store seeking *information* on their new U-Verse TV and Internet service.

I walked out with TV, Internet, new cell service, and a brand new iPhone 4.

Damn you, James McCraw! (But thanks for all the help.)

Now I'm one of yoooooooou......

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Can my car get a DUI?

God bless the Scottish, my people. Kilt-wearin', whiskey swillin', bag pipe playin', Haggis eatin' Scottish.

Screw that silly Mid-West corn bio-fuel, try Whiskey fuel! Butanol puts out 30% more energy than ethanol. That Prius can be replaced with a whiskey-byproduct sucking SUV. And you don't have to spend $1000s converting your engine.

Booze fueled genius!

This "diva" thing has gone too far

Stilettos aren't just for hookers any more. Platform stilettos have wormed their way back into the office, into casual date wear, and on to the feet of every woman over the age of 15. I remember being little and trying on Mom's hot pink, suede heels, and thinking "I'll never wear shoes this stupid."

Now I have a collection of heels that would make Imelda Marcos blush. Nothing under 4 inches, nothing comfortable, nothing that'll prevent painful foot surgery in the next 20 years. And I love them all. Pumps, loafers, sneakers (yes), oxfords, sandals, thongs, everything imaginable.

There are some things though that are meant to stay flat. Tevas for instance. But the folks at Grey Ant seem to disagree with me on that one, and for the totally reasonable (ha!) price of $330, you can hike like a Hilton.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Tragic, totally tragic

I'm not much of a feminist. I'm a strong, attitude-y woman, driven to success (which, I'm told, makes me a "bitch"), with goals and aspirations. I don't believe that women can do everything that men can do, but it *DO* believe that I can do everything men can do.

I'm low-maintenence, self-sufficient, smart, creative, and competent. Additionally, I have more tools than most guys I know. (Except the guys in my motorcycle club.)

So why does Maxim magazine seek to take all of my good qualities away from me? All the things that make me attractive (aside from my boobs), are apparently "no good" for the average man. I guess men need to pretend they care about what I think is important, and buy me things in order to make me abandon my drive for success and self-sufficiency.

How is being a feminist something that needs to be "cured"? I'm disgusted. Completely disgusted. I think that being an insipid, orange, plastic debutant is something that needs to be "cured" far more than being independent and driven.

Click the link to read the article. Vomit.

Creepy storage

The only thing that got me to put my toys away as a kid was the threat of Mom throwing away anything left out if she stepped on one more Barbie shoe or Transformer in the middle of the night. I'm not sure this would have helped at all.

In fact, I think feeding my treasured plastic belongings to a rolling monster (The "Toy Guardian") probably would have made the problem much worse. Although, the threats of disposal haven't translated into later life, scary monster toy chest probably would have turned me into a hoarder.

This kid knows his pipes

No, get your mind out of the gutter.

In the weirdest talent show ever, this kid plays TV/movie favorites on a set of PVC pipes. One wonders if he has any friends, and what the ladies think of his special talent. I'm kind of hoping this is an art project...

Songs are...
-Office Theme Song (0:18)
-Linus and Lucy (0:38)
-Turkish March (1:13)
-Mario Brothers Theme (1:27)
-In the Hall of the Mountain King (1:54)
-Bad Romance (2:07)
-Viva La Vida (2:50)
-Like a Virgin (3:03)
-Crazy Train (3:23)
-Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger (4:01)
-James Bond Theme (4:15)
-Pirates of the Caribbean Theme (4:35)
-The Final Countdown (featuring my friend, Quin) (4:56)

Monday, November 22, 2010

My other ride is a lightcycle

Tron: Legacy is apparently going to be the bestest movie ever created in the history of the world, possibly the universe. Or at least that's what Disney's merchandising partners would lead you to believe. Just about anything that can be made to light up in blue is now available for inflated purchase.

But honestly, as deplorable as I find the Disney corporation, you can't fault them on some seriously rad kicks (in partnership with the fine folks at Adidas).

I would sport these to work.

There's an infographic for that

Just like there's an "app" for everything from restaurant reviews to wiping your nose, there's also an infographic. Take a complicated concept or set of statistics and boil it down into a series of amusing pictures.

From texting stats, to the complete history of the Swine Flu, to the evolution of the actual infographic, there's an infographic for that. Because reading stuff takes time.

The Helpful Figurines site is an excellent example.

Tool belt

No, seriously!

Nothing says "rock 'n roll" like a utility belt. But not like a Batman, like a badass. Subtly hidden in the studs and buckle are 6 different tools. While you do run the risk of your pants falling down while you're wrenching on your sick cafe racer, this is pretty damned awesome.

What do you think TSA would have to say about this?

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Merry Xmas boozehounds

Personally, the holidays make me want to drink excessively. Especially if anything involving my family is planned. This guy takes the egg nog OD to a new amusing extreme.

"Mommy! Santa smells like Daddy when he crys!"

Friday, November 19, 2010

Two birds, one stone

Why dirty two glasses when you can accomplish your goal in one piece of glassware?


Restoring faith in humanity

Honestly, if I found a backpack containing over $3000 in cash, I'm pretty sure I'd pay off some bills or get a boat load of shoes. But this *homeless* guy in Arizona is a more righteous person than I. (Okay, most are more righteous than I.)

After finding a backpack on the train line, Dave Tally discovered the cash, a laptop, and a flash drive containing the backpack's owner's resume. He used the information on the resume to track down the owner and return the contents of the backpack, including the cash.

You can reward and help Dave Tally for his integrity and humanity here.

Keep your lady bits to yourself

I have thought, since the implementation of the full-body airport scan, how I would handle that situation. While I feel it is a gross invasion of privacy, I also feel that the more secure our planes are, the more apt I am to fly somewhere. (At least, presuming I can get a reasonable fare anymore.)

So for those of us that are "shy" there are Flying Pasties! Pasties aren't just for strippers and burlesque dancers anymore. Now you can fly in sticky comfort with all your gear kept to yourself. It's a shame that we've come to this, but I really don't want to drive any more than 8 hours anywhere, and am willing to scrape adhesive from my who-who hair to have the opportunity to get on an airplane in under four hours.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Kanye vs. rages on

Kanye West, king of ridiculous press stunts, was recently invited to react to G.W. Bush's comments on his claim that "George Bush doesn't care about black people." While the interview was bland as hell, the auto-tuned version is awfully entertaining.

Does anyone even wear ties anymore?

Office casual has risen to a new level of slovenly. It's not casual Friday anymore, it's jeans-and-sneakers Friday. Tank tops are perfectly acceptable provided they're worn with slacks. While I'm not a fan of suits, it'd sure be easier. Get 2 black suits and alternate them with different blouses. Dry clean on the weekends.

So for those in offices that still require "business attire," meet the USB tie. Show your employer that you're a multi-tasker in the office and on the go. Totally more office appropriate than the USB bra.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

When you gotta go, you gotta go

Little Orphan Annie said it best, but this woman takes it to a new (disgusting) extreme.

I know I've been in some situations where I've been desperate, begging convenience store clerks to let me use the facilities. There was a time when my plumbing was all screwed up and I drove to the local McDonalds to handle business.

But never have I been in a situation so desperate to do this.

Xmas arts and crafts

Gingerbread ain't just for houses anymore.

How about:

Or my fave: a mother board.

Google's "Street View" finally has a meaningful impact

While "Street View" is good for many things (wasting time at work, spying on the neighbors, blog fodder when amusing images are included, etc.), apparently, it's now a weight loss motivator.

An English man (or "bloke" if you will) weighing in just under 300 lbs was caught on Street View and SO embarrassed by his ginormous beer gut, that he got in gear and lost nearly 100 lbs. He joined a gym, stuck to a healthy diet, and now about a 5th grader lighter, his blood pressure is down and he feels great.

It's official: Google can do EVERYTHING.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Indubitably, sir

One of the greatest obstacles to communication is language. So let's shake things up further by re-introducing antiquated words that we need back.

My fave: freck.
"To move about swiftly or nimbly."
ie - I'm fixin' to freck on down to the bar.
(Yes, I know that's not right. Gimmee a break.)

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Big girls are sexy

Women are beautiful. ALL women are beautiful, no matter their size or age. Women can grow life in their bellies (how neat is that!!) and can still do everything a man can do. Women are driven and smart and empathetic creatures.

It has always blown my mind that the commercial image of a sexy woman has been near 6 feet tall and stick thin. I can't imagine how a man wants a woman who's taller than him and who's so thin you can see her ribs. And concave breasts can't possibly attractive.

I like my women with meat: hips, breasts, curves. Something to hang on to. Something to keep you warm. Norwegian photog Sølve Sundsbø agrees with me. Just because us big girls can't carry off a bikini or wear the latest sexy lingerie doesn't mean we're not incredibly hot women.


Lazy gets funding

Do you need a blanket with sleeves so you can still work the remote? Would you rather cook you chicken on your countertop than in the oven because all that bending and waiting is too much work? Do you need gadget assistance cracking your eggs?

If that's the case, then this product is for you. While Kickstarter is a great resource for creatives and civic-minded folks to get their ideas off the ground and funded, it's also a great resource for stupid crap.

So if you're having trouble dunking Oreos, and can't figure out how to deal with it, donate to the couple that has come up with the Dipr, the specially designed Oreo dunking utensil.

And good luck with the rest of life too.

The TV that defines your state

Thank god that Tennessee escaped getting saddled with that awful Memphis Beat show. I'm much happier as a representative of the state of Evil Dead.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

War in six words

This one's in honor of all the brave men and women who have served in the military, preserving and protecting my freedom to bitch about stupid stuff on the Internet, keep a shotgun to protect myself from Memphis, and elect the people who make big decisions on my behalf. Happy Veterans Day. I'm a proud American not because of government or obligation, but because of people who give up their freedom to defend mine. They are braver than I.

Smith Magazine has started a "6-Word-Memoir" project. A division of the project focuses on veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars. Some items are silly, others are powerful. It's really amazing how much you can convey in only 6 words.

As you read these, think of someone you know who's sacrificed for you, and remember without them, there would be no "us."

Great reason to avoid vanity plates

There are many things I wish would be converted to drive-through businesses: convenience stores, the DMV (ironically), the craft store (drive-through yarn, you heard me), bookstores (I'll take a Vonnegut and a Tolstoy, please).

One place I wouldn't mind actually getting out of the car and spending some time on my selections: the porn shop.

Apparently, the citizens of Huntsville, AL are less choosy and in a bigger hurry to get it on than I am. Pleasures, an adult store, intends to utilize the drive-through window in their new building (formerly a bank).

I wonder if they'll have a value menu. "I'll take a number two, with a side of lube."

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

One day, it'll happen

I'll get hitched. And after I get married in secret, in Vegas by some guy dressed as Shaft, I will have a badass party, featuring a ridiculous cake topped with this.

Done and done.

Crochet goes too far

I like to crochet. It's a productive time waster. And a cheap source of winter gifts. But Polish artist Olek has taken fiber arts to the extreme.

She crochets *everything*. Cars, tents, bicycles, even people. Now she's even crocheting everything in her home. Including visitors. Might be nice to visit in the winter, actually.

The Subway diet is so 1999

Why munch on stale bread with 3 slices of questionable meat and iffy lettuce, when you can have the pleasure of enjoying a food with a half life?

Kansas State University nutrition professor spent 10 weeks ingesting snack cakes from convenience stores every three hours, rather than eating full meals. The result: 27 LBS shed in 2 months.

Sign me up! Baked chips and veggie subs are for suckers.

"Happy Meal" to become "Marginally Content Meal"

I ordered a Happy Meal on a road trip, and the guy behind me in line asked, "Does it work?" Then I said "yes" but the citizens of San Francisco are about to say, "no." No to toys, that is.

They're legislating a ban on toys in Happy Meals unless McDonald's reduce the number of calories, sodium, and fat in the kids meals. Thus legislating parental responsibility.

What's next? Regulating Pokemon for encouraging cartoon violence? Ban bumper cars which discourage safe driving?

Monday, November 8, 2010

Dazzle up your junk

You know you're worried about it. That fur above your gear just ain't sexy. It doesn't scream "touch me" as loud as it's screaming "go find a machete." While it keeps you warm in the winter, a tiny hair forrest just isn't attractive to the opposite sex.

So be an informed consumer and landscape your secret garden. Hip Snips, with designs like the "Charlie Chaplin" and the "Rising Sun," will make you the talk of the town. (Or possibly a bad joke among close friends.)

Potty in harmony

One of the most notoriously boring rooms in your house is the bathroom. You can paint it silly colors, hang shower curtains with interesting patterns, and install a shower radio. But nothing is going to change the fact that the bathroom has one function: handling your "functions."

I have a bathroom that's painted in an obnoxious purple and is covered in zebra and black and white photos of an abandoned building. But it's still a bathroom, no matter how rad I make it.

But the fine folks at Jammin' Johns have come up with some added flair to make the can more charming. Granted, it still doesn't change the function, but it adds some fun to your "alone time."

Nothing says leadership like commemorative knives

Celebrate your favorite leader of the free world with a folding knife bearing their name and image. All 43 are represented, from George to Barack. Give it to the special patriot in your life for Xmas. Take Teddy hunting, or keep old Honest Abe in your purse for protection.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Hey kids! Hug a priest

This is just scary on so many levels. I wonder if there is a Michael Jackson doll out there somewhere? Oh, wait...

Attn: Ladies

Specifically, older, single ladies. Looking for a hot man to make you feel younger? Need a special guy in his 20s to spend too much money on? Carnival Cruise Lines has your solution: the Cougar Cruise.

Romp through Mexico with your tanned young buck. Rent a scooter for a buzz around a tropical island with your arms around some six-pack abs. No strings, no kids, no messy pre-nups.