Sunday, February 27, 2011

Home defense

Some opt for guns, others opt for ADT, but what do you do when that isn't enough? When a hoard of zombies start flowing through your bedroom window, what do you do?

Designer James McAdam has the solution. Not only is it a stylish bed-side table, it's also a weapon of zombie destruction.

Remember: aim for the head.

Oh no you din't...

Ooh, girl. This site's tragic.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Cholesterol vs. Food

I HATE the "Man vs. Food" guy. Only in America can you make a career of being a complete glutton AND get your own, highly rated TV show. I give the guy another 10 years before his face-stuffing fame catches up with his body and he has an emergency bypass.

So, if you have ambitions of becoming the next TV taster with a death wish, here are 83 ideas, listed by state, to get you started. Sadly, Memphis's own "Kooky Kanuck" is not on the list despite the gut busting "Great Kookamonga" challenge that gets you immortalized in photo in their entryway.

Monday, February 21, 2011

President's Day!

Today is President's Day! What does that mean to you? Unless you work at a bank of have a kid, absolutely nothing.

Technically, it's actually Washington's birthday.

Learn some more about the presidents, courtesy of The Noah Ginex Puppet Company.

Damn you, Auto Correct!

If you don't know, then now you know. This is hysterical and has totally happened to me.

I asked a friend if she got smooched on New Years Eve, and somehow my iPhone decided that I was asking her if she got "anointed" instead. (Which probably be a valid question too...)

What to do with your tax return

Got a hefty tax return this year? Government cash burning a hole in your pocket? A Segway too nerdy for your freaky circus taste in transportation?

Try the Solowheel. Get all the attention you never knew you wanted.

Special panties for when your Aunt comes to town

One afternoon, I was helping set up for an event later that evening, and wasn't feeling great. My friend, let's call her Kathy, asked me what was wrong.

"Ugh," I said, while rubbing my abdomen, "My 'Aunt's' in town..."

"Really?" she said, "how long will she be here?" I raised an eyebrow, and said, "3 to 5 days..."

Kathy then asked,"Is she from Chicago too?"

I responded, "yes, technically. Um, Kathy, I'm on my period."

The lightbulb went off: "Oh! THAT 'Aunt.'"

So rather than try to be coy about why you want to rip your uterus out with a spoon, or why you've been crying at every sad puppy on TV, just put it all on the table. Er, on your drawers.

No more avoiding answering "why aren't you in the mood?" from the BF. He'll get the picture real quick.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

What's a hoe?

"Immoral pleasure seeker"? Or "long handled garden tool."?

You be the judge.

This car runs like crap

Or rather runs ON crap. No shit. (Well, actually 70 flushes worth of shit.)

You can get 10,000 miles (a year or so) of power on 70 #2s in the "Bio-Bug." So if you haven't reduced your carbon footprint enough, reduce your methane footprint too. Feel like a real eco-big shot with a BM powered Bug.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy VD, kids

Valentines have evolved over the years, from handmade hearts, to store bought cards with the Thundercats on them, to snarky e-cards.

This year tell your loved ones that they're loved on Facebook, because actually creating and mailing a card is way too much trouble.

Friday, February 11, 2011

REALLY bad romance

Lady Gaga is creepy. There's really no denying it. From bizarre videos to that meat suit, and scads of terrible interviews. She ain't no peach.

But some of her songs are shockingly introspective. Assuming you can understand the lyrics. Fortunately, there are heaps of covers on YouTube. Some faves include:

However, creepy has been taken to a new level by a group of old, fat, Russian dudes. Covering Lady Gaga. This is just too much to handle.

This is why dogs bite people

My mother dresses her 120-LB German Shepherd. And decided a while back to send me a sweater for one of my dogs. Not only does it take a solid 20 minutes to wrestle a pit bull into a sweater, the pink argyle wasn't really fitting. Plus she was miserable. It was tragic. (But kinda funny.)

At least I don't paint my puppies. That's a special kind of crazy.

The talentless of the world are in mourning

It's official - Rock and Roll is dead. Or rather "Guitar Hero" is dead.

Due to licensing costs (than you, Axel Rose), the franchise is disbanding. Customer support will continue to explain that you need to plug the damn thing in for it to work, but otherwise, the parent company, Activision, is dunzo.

In other news, Techno is also dead. Adios "DJ Hero" too.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

There's an app for that too

I recently caved and became an iPerson. I have an app for every conceivable situation: tracking receipts, hunting for deals, fining cheap gas, even getting out of a bad date. (The app is called: "Save Me." I recommend.)

These tiny mobile devices are at the forefront of a convenience revolution. No need to call in that prescription, or use a phone book. Just break out your smartphone and handle your business.

So, what's missing? Obvs: a confession app. Too busy playing Angry Birds to get to church on Sunday morning? Confess your darkest sins via iPhone. An excellent companion to the Vatican's YouTube channel, the simply named "Confession" app ("iSinned"?) has been been given the Papal blessing for use.

Repenting was never this easy. But this totally begs the question: who are you confessing to? A priest or an iPhone? Communication between you and your religious rep is privileged, communication between you and your iPhone is not. I see a Law & Order episode in our future...

Monday, February 7, 2011

Budget cuts

The economy has hit everyone hard. Foreclosures are through the roof, unemployment tops 10% in most states, and companies are down-sizing like mad. Top level people are getting axed, with no prospects, and bottom level folks are still scrambling to find something stable.

So in today's tough economic climate, how to companies cut costs? More lay-offs? No, you deplete your much-needed, thread-bare work force. More service cuts? No, you can't possibly be any less accommodating than you already are. Cut your customer service staff? While they tend to be the largest department, haven't you ever wondered why?

Here's the way to cut the overhead: mobile offices. Not just "work-from-home" employees, but *totally* mobile offices. While you may need a box truck to move them, you can set up an office anywhere. Why rent space when you can build space on the spot?

Black Monday

Yup, it's upon us again: Valentine's day. Your florist and your local greeting card supplier are jazzed as hell, but the average person (whether in a relationship, or single) is not excited. Amplified expectations, and financial commitments to badass gifts make February 14th a pain in the butt for everyone.

So where do you get the most affordable, awesome V-Day gift? From me. :)

Get a custom painting of your kids, your favorite rock star, your pets, whatever's clever.

It's freaking cold

Even here in Memphis, we're getting snow. Which is pretty unusual, even for early February.

But for our 34 degrees there are people that have it worse. Take New Hampshire for instance, they're at negative 34. While in Memphis you can boil an egg on the pavement in August, apparently you can freeze a bubble in February in NH.